I realized I’m gay. Not, “Oh, I decided
to come out, finally,” or “Damn, that’s a fine lookin’ woman, I’ve
changed my mind.”
Like, I seriously didn’t know and was for a few weeks seriously looking inward going, “Hmm. Well, that’s interesting to know about myself.”
It’s a good thing during that time I didn’t really look at any news or
media at all or I would probably have subconsciously allowed my
square ass to stay lodged in a round hole of conformity.
I’ve been more and more paying attention to media and society’s opinion of my sexual orientation.
It’s not a good idea, but when something is on your mind, you tend to constantly pay attention to what deals with it, no matter how insane and self defeating it may be.
There are two things the media has shown me what it thinks about
Everybody hates me because I’m gay.
I’m doing gay all wrong.
Generally, I have a feeling that ways of gay came about in direct,
flagrant opposition to the being hated part, and now gaydom, and
the various ways of gay has it’s own pesky conformity that doesn’t
relate at all to me, and many others I’m sure.
So, since I came out, which one shouldn’t really have to do in the
first place, implying they have been in hiding, and shouldn’t have
had to hide, etc. Now I’m like, so, what’s it like being part of a
controversial subset of my society?
It sucks, is what, and there still are few answers for the questing
queer. Because of the damnable tendency of humans to over-conform,
you become part of a subset, then you try to fit yourself into the
square hole and realize, instead, you have a rhombus shaped ass,
and you feel lost and have to start all over again.
Gay? Check. Woman? Check. Fat? Check.
And then see what the diagram of category tells you to do! Egads!
The easy answer would be to state that it shouldn’t matter, you are
who you are. But, the problem is in how to communicate your
Communication is all about understanding, and we have to use
words, cues, etc., to get the general idea of ourselves across to
others and yet ensure that idea isn’t so confoundedly general as to
lose ourselves and all individual perspective in the process.
So, Gay? Yes, and I would need to communicate this to a
prospective individual that I hope is gay without being a complete
turd of social construction where meaning of my personality is lost to
lots of sex.
The social construction of gay, and in my case, a gay woman is twofold:
Considered a semi-positive by a male dominated culture whom is
deemed a great consumer of lesbian sex porn. It’s not really fair to
the men in our lives, but there it is. Yet, considered evil, because
lesbians, just by virtue of preferring women to men in relationships
and, yes, sex, are rejecting the men, so they are hated, too, poor
Society is not very nice to men in this regard, either, but our
patriarchal society, and, consequently, media, has us, and them,
believing this is true.
Sourcing, Maybe. Maybe a quarter of the world population is gay, for
whatever reason. I should find a source for that.
Ah, Gallup Poll: “Male respondents tend to give lower estimates of
both the male and female homosexual population than female
respondents do. The average estimates among male respondents
are that 16% of men and 21% of women are homosexual. Among
female respondents, the average esti mates are that 26% of men and
23% of women are homosexual. Some what interestingly, both sexes
believe there are more homosexuals in the opposite sex than in their
Wow, this statistic just made female and gay representation in the
media even more of a problem than I was even aware of.
It makes me wonder how many of us are hating on ourselves.
Admittedly, this poll is done in America, so isn’t representative of the
world, but it does give a hint to the disparity of American Media
versus American Demographics.
Any woman reading this is probably
already aware of this, as is any Black, Asian, Native American, Latino
. . . we all know who we are in the under-representation and
semiotic, prejudicial crap department.
Yet, things are changing, as evidenced by more Gallup.
More and more Americans are like, “Whatever. We don’t care who you marry. Yes, it can be legal. Pay taxes like us. We’re too busy to care.”
Yet,even though the media reports such support and the gay community so happy that it can leave behind the conformities of old, the media still seems to be holding on to the old liquor.
I wonder if its because the new media, the internet where site views
summoned by an incendiary choice of words sells advertising, or,
simply media hasn’t grown up yet, using transistors, incandescent
light bulbs and Pancake makeup for on screen money makers.
It’slike media producers and bosses have a blindness to social change,
or, no, I really think the controversy sells thing is what is generating
I really do.
I’ve found through doing my internet searches, the impression that
I’m doing gay wrong is what bothers me more, because it has to do
with how the gay community presents itself.
It’s so predominantly sexified.
Initially, I thought the constant sex going on with my sexuality was a
creation of religious haters.
I was wrong, in one sense.
I’m not the only one who was aware of the impression that the gay community had cornered itself into a round hole of innuendo.
(Hehe hehe. Tehe.)
I found myself reading an article on Huffpost titled ‘Reassessing the
Gay Cultural Paradigm,’ by Nicholas F. Benton, to which I was like,
“Yay! Someone else thought of this, too!” Benton remarks in the
article now that a certain amount of success has happened in gay
rights, which the gay community should give itself three cheers for,
some concepts of the gay community need to change:“ . . .redefine
the prevailing cultural paradigm that has shaped its collective
identity since the radical hedonist days following the Stonewall era in
the 1970’s. I . . . witnessed first hand . . . how the cultural tidal wave
of “sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll” quickly overwhelmed our movement
and has maintained a dominant role in our culture to this day.”
Yeah, I sit around thinking about being a sexual misfit that if anybody
knew, they’d think I was some depraved, perverted ninny obsessed
about getting laid. A hedonist. Benton acknowledges the gay
community encouraged the stereotype, and now needs to show that
there is individuality in homosexuality, as in any demographic of
humanity, that the community has moral behavior in line with
reciprocal altruism, etc.
That, in a sense, we need to be less about a group culture, as we
have previously been to protect our members, and follow the
paradigm of greater acceptance, accepting our members as
individuals of variety and distinct, unique color.
A few weeks ago, I had a similar, if not so scholarly discussion of this
topic with my Dad, of all people. I mentioned that its hard to talk
about being homosexual because people automatically think you are
obsessed with sex. He admitted that there is a tendency to think all
gay people are promiscuous, which I am a great example of being
so completely untrue, it’s ridiculous. My own mother has wished a
slight amount of promiscuity of at least talking to people would
enter into my life, just a little.
Also, too, is the suggestion by Benton that homosexuals are not a
newness upon society, but have been great contributors to
civilization as a whole over the eons. There are many a famous poet,
thinker, Leonardo Da Vinci, (of whom was good at everything) that
are part of the history of humanity, who are representatives of
homosexuals. Benton’s intent is to move beyond the present evil of
sexual orientation as understood by sexual actions.
In The Normal Heart, Kramer’s autobiographical character, Ned
Weeks, cries out as the reality of the AIDS epidemic sinks in: “The
only way we’ll have real pride is when we demand recognition of a
culture that isn’t just sexual. It’s all there — all through history we’ve
been there, but we have to claim it, and identify who was in it, and
articulate what’s in our minds and hearts and all our creative
contributions to this earth. … That’s how I want to be defined: as one
of the men who fought the war. Being defined by our cocks is
literally killing us.”
Benton, too, mentions in this article a stream of conscious quote
from his book, Extraordinary Hearts: Reclaiming Gay Sensibility’s
Central Role in the Progress of Civilization, that gay culture needs to
change, but should it just blindly meld into the present patriarchal
culture that also is found wanting?
Essentially, it is what he said. Okay, fine, here’s the quote: “After all
this, then what? Do we assimilate into the male-dominated,
profoundly unequal and militaristic prevailing society, becoming, as
stupid TV sitcoms or right-wing scions seeking to co-opt us would
have it, absorbed and indistinguishable from all that?”
In answer to Benton, I would agree, but the same site that he is
writing his blog and promoting his book upon doesn’t seems to be
with the program. Intermixed with thought provoking blogs, are
articles discussing an obsession with Seth Rogan’s masturbation
The main page under the Lesbian section within Huffpost Gay:
Feminism, porn, having sex, sensual pictures. Because, yes, that is
what lesbian is all about, naked women, together.
It tells me if I’m not thinking about being a feminist, about what porn
I watch and what type of sex I’m having, or in my case, not having,
then I am bad at being lesbian.
(Who takes these pictures?!)
Being white and skinny, these women don’t portray anything but a
white male fantasy of the patriarchal system at large and it’s on the
Lesbian partner site of the Gay Voices section. They totally should
know better. I wonder if the lesbian bloggers looked at it when their
work was posted. I, for one, am baffled by the content.
Well, baffled generally by the content. Society’s general tendency
toward prudence in regard to sex still has us emphasizing the sexual
acts of sexual orientation, and less in having a conversation about
partnership. Benton and Kramer’s comments apply to Lesbian’s too,
So, throwing pictures of semi-naked women being intimate in my
lesbian face just says to me, “You don’t look like this and aren’t
having no sex? Pfft, loser.”
How I Cobbled it All
My sources are concentrated and brief from Huffpost specifically
because I wanted to engage the subject as a layperson and not a
scholar, in terms of literally running into content that created an
emotional response. And, this also pertains to the purposeful
avoidance of other content.
My manner of finding my source article, just me lazily one day
clinking a link to Benton’s article from my Twitter feed gave me a
beginning point, just as any Twitterverse savvy lesbian may do that
Obviously, now, the difference is that I’m writing this with a
background in communications and media criticism, so though my
sourcing is purposely casual, my remarks are studied and informed.
When I look at the Gallup poles, the opinions of jerks who don’t
know me, or any gay person or they would have a different opinion, I
consider this information anecdotal data, because it’s not necessarily
information or opinion in media of persons who experience life
generally as I do.
The persons such as me may casually loathe remarks of
homosexuality as sin, spurned by God, etc., as annoying fly bites or
grievous lapses in religious compassion and judgement, depending
upon one’s faith or lack.
Personally, I hold little regard for quoting at me things from a culture
two thousand years in the past with little reference or relevance to
And, I got me some science.
So, I’m in the camp of anecdotal fly bites in terms of how religious
arguments affect me.
Yet, the proliferation of hate from religious circles inflamed by the
media to get consumers for their advertising partners, bothers me a
great deal, because I can’t hide.
Then, this cacophony gives courage to the haters and naysayers in
my immediate physical environment of whom I have to be tolerant
and silent because I’m so completely unsure how people would
react if I told the truth.
And it only causes more grievous pain to LGBTQ who grew up in strict fundamentalist churches or belief systems who are struggling to have a spiritual love and romantic love both.
You got this, friends!
So, its not the content, but the effect that is the problem. It shoves
me into a hidey-hole, and depression sets in.
This has me aware of the media, and it’s mixed messages, just to be
primed and pumped for the possible hate talk I might run into while
at a restaurant or a grocery store.
So, yay, most Americans support gay rights, marriage, equality, etc.,
but those are not the stories that get discussed and posted everywhere.
It’s the hatey ones, with the support coming in statistical quips like,
“Though most American’s don’t give a shit if two women marry, THIS
GUY says they are evil, more on his remarks at 11.”
Then, traversing over to the homosexuality community, specifically in
Huffpost, I admit, I find there is an argument about the community
being all about the sex. And, as the above screen captures of the
site’s content proves, it isn’t really helpful in any way practical to
communicating myself to others.
Oh, practical about all the fun ways to have sex, but I have to search
around for, “How to have a conversation with people regarding your
“How to ask a woman on a date without creeping out
and offending her because you are, generally, assuming, hoping she
is gay, too?”
Nope, not there. Just feminism and types of sex. Not helpful in
creating meaningful communication and dialogue, with the
assumption that most people are in the closet in relationships and
when they come out are in more need of empowering content for
themselves and their partners. I’m a case of it’s perfectly normal for
someone to be aware of their sexuality without actually having sex to
figure it out.
Me, and all the Stuffs
I only studied this topic to help myself, and only ended causing
more confusion, instead. As society is so helpful in giving youth, no
matter sex or orientation, good, positive esteem about body and
(sarcasm) adolescence in the greater world, so too does it fabulously help us lesbians. (double satire).
I know some lesbians, some gays, some transgender, some people in general, all individuals with quirks and comfort and anxiety about themselves, etc. I chatted with someone the other night that is fascinated by bondage, to which I scooted away a bit in mild prude-like horror. We are all ourselves. Alike, different, finding others with whom to connect. Human.
Which, in fact, emphasizes a point that I’m loathe to admit. No
matter our orientation, we all have deep seeded experiences that
hugely affect our preferences when it comes to people. People not
just sexual partners but friends, colleagues, who we buy our car
from, where we vacation. And, yes, if we are terrified of bondage.
And, perusing the comments sections under the articles in my list
only brings upon more discontinuity. Under Benton’s blog post, there
were six comments, half of which were gay people disagreeing with
Benton on moving away from a hedonistic gay culture. These
individuals praise hedonism, sex for sex’s sake, and were offended
that he wanted them to not think about sex. The indoctrination is
severe, it seems. And, too, there seems to be an assumption even
within the community that gay is sex driven instead of driven by
personhood of whom happens to have similar physiology.
Yet, I contend, it’s confusing, for the very idea of being gay is a
preference for intimacy with the same sex. But, its not what its all
about, which I haven’t seen articles on at all. I’ll relate my personal
experience about how I figured out I was gay.
How I Guessed I was a Lesbian, I think:
First, I’m just not into body hair. I think it’s disgusting. It’s not one’s
fault, but women tend to have a lot less, on average, due to some
evolutionary component of sexual selection creating a less hairy
woman in dimorphism.
Second, the way men behave. I hate machismo. I hate having to not
be intelligent to make men feel better. I hate how society treats
them and I hate how men act as a result of what their own patriarchy
does to them.
Also, I don’t like how men smell. That their hands are large and
clumsy. As a kid, I was always confused by the male tendency to
hedonistic display, “Look at me! Look at what I can do!” I thought it
weird because what they were doing which they thought was so
cool, I could do too, and do it better.
So, my casual rant signifies a sexuality based upon physical and
social preferences that streamline me into, “The type of person I
have options with is statistically going to be female.”
Also, I’m not much into whafer-thin skinny. I like some meat, some
strength, like myself. The men in my life has always been scrawny,
hairy, or obese, hairy, and way too proud of how much they could
stuff their face with.
Like I said, the hairy and the smells coupled with the personalities
our culture tends to make out of men, and I’m like, “Uh, no.”
I admit, it is all more profoundly complicated than what I’ve stated,
but even in brief, my remarks highlight how conformity even in gay
culture is more hindrance than help, just like conformity in greater
culture. And, I don’t mean the conformity that keeps us from
constant traffic deaths, but the conformity that makes people,
instead of being different versions of themselves most of the time,
squishes them into empty stereotypes that they eventually forget
they are even stuck in.
And the Gay Community seems to be at war with itself regarding just
As a writer, with only a quaint background of scholarship, my
intentions to the future regarding social construction of
homosexuality are personally based.
I’d prefer more work, catalogues of well-thought questionnaires be
papered in front of gay individuals in their thirties in long term
I’d want to know how they think about themselves, their orientation
and their relationship with each other and the world. I’m much more
interested in knowing about partnership, devotion and stability while
dealing with an angry world that demonizes you.
I don’t care what a bunch of psychology major college students have
to say. They are the most available source in the Western world to
do surveys on, and they are the least likely to be aware of social
construction of their behaviors because of lack of experience. They
are those individuals who would benefit from my case study
And, please, if you try to give me anything that supposes itself an
authority on partnership, devotion and stability in regard to lesbian
relationship with two women half naked on the cover, I’ll smack you.
What Percentage of the Population Is Gay? Jennifer Robison, Oct. 8,
2002, gallup.com. Accessed: Jan. 2, 2014.
Same-Sex Relations Article List, gallup.com, Accessed: Jan. 2, 2014.
Aaron Fruh, Alabama Pastor, Says Gay Marriage Brought ‘Noah’s
Ark’ Flood While Supporting Chick-Fil-A, Huffington Post, July 27,
2012, Updated: July 22, 2013. Accessed: Jan. 2, 2014.
Comments, Aaron Fruh, Alabama Pastor, Says Gay Marriage Brought
‘Noah’s Ark’ Flood While Supporting Chick-Fil-A. July 27, 2012,
Updated: July 22, 2013. Accessed: Jan. 2, 2014.
Reassessing the Gay Cultural Paradigm, Nicholas F. Benton, Nov. 13,
2013. Accessed: Jan. 2, 2014.
Main Page, Gay Voices, Huffington Post, Jan. 2, 2014. Accessed:
Jan. 2, 2014. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gay-voices/.
Lesbian Page, Gay Voices, Huffington Post, Jan. 2, 2014. Accessed:
Jan. 2, 2014. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/lesbian/