A great quandary I often find myself revisit is what I’m attracted to. Problem is, I seldom find myself attracted to anyone. It’s a miracle I figured out my lesbian sexuality at all.
I’m unsure if it’s part of my Autism that I am demisexual; i.e. requiring emotional connection before I’m capable of feeling/expressing physical/sensual attraction. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s due to abuse, lack of experience, many years of not being regarded sexually, therefore, I don’t think sexually so readily. I’m unsure.
I did figure out, that if I developed an emotional connection and felt sexual attraction, it was always toward a person who identified as female and had female sex characteristics. That is, essentially, how I determined I was a lesbian.
Do I develop attractional feelings toward all women that I have an emotional bond? No. Like anyone, attraction, desire, passion, and fate, are all complicated, profound, and follow not protocols of logic. My desire for a woman can surprise me, too.
But, in my everyday, I’m not drooling over gorgeous ladies. My drooling is often precise to a single woman I’m having feelings for, if that happens to be my experience at the time. Feelings created out of social encounter, like experience/engagement, like interests, etc., vulnerable expressions, and, ‘the whatever,’ that unquantifiable factor or factors that makes such that, too creates friendship, moreso.
Most of the time, my everyday has me not attracted to nor aware of attractions, coming or going at all.
It is difficult to explain and constantly have to reinforce that a woman who may seem physically desirable, aesthetically pleasing, etc. to others doesn’t even cause any reaction or attraction in me. I receive constant polite criticism, an assumption that I’m picky or gutless.
People don’t get why I’m just not interested in walking up to a woman and asking her out. It means very little to me, such a casual encounter. To walk up with a presumption of a date, or implied attraction that I don’t have, would be dishonest.
Sure, I can walk up and makes friends, but that is not what people are talking about.
The joke of needing to, ‘get laid,’ ‘hook up,’ etc., falls flat with me. Whatever you think of me, it isn’t going to solve my problem, and, for certain is only going to hurt more than it will ever help. I don’t do casual. I don’t comprehend casual, and it bothers me when people don’t listen.
I don’t even think about attraction or whether I find someone attractive much. I struggle to understand the preoccupation others have with looks and emotions of lust that such seems to bring.
The Flip Side: Ooh, me, a Hypocrite.
There is an inherent affirmation of sexual creature-tude that happens from getting hit on. Getting hit on, someone conveying to you that you are attractive, brings the possibility that you are attractive into the forefront of your mind, giving you a certain understanding that someone might find you sexy.
Yes, hypocritically, it would seem to you, I deny such to others. But, I’m not thinking you sexy, why would I lie to you? Think about it.
Being autistic, much of this world of flirting, deep gazes and ogling is beyond our awareness, beyond our scope. Even if you are giving us all the signs and signals of, “Hey, you! Yes, you! You, are sexy!” Well, we aren’t gonna know unless you say precisely what’s quoted.
With me, well, you’ll have to say that and then give me bullet points, because I’m really not going to understand, and because of trauma, I’m not likely to believe you anyway.
And, unless I have an emotional connection to you, and that ephemeral otherness of passion we have when we love romantically but can’t explain, I’m not going to be telling you anything about how sexy you are because I’m not going to think you are sexy at all.
And, because I’m autistic, if I’m not attracted to you, it will never occur to me that you potentially can be attracted to me at all. And, because I’m traumatized, if I’m attracted to you, I’m likely never going to read positive behavior of yours directed at me as romantic attraction/indications I’m sexy, because I don’t think of myself as attraction worthy.
Damn Trauma! It’s a constant negotiation, trauma induced perceptions of self and reality building. Constant Vigilance.
So, yes, I have a broken understanding of how attractive I can be combined with being demisexual and not finding attraction easily. Put the two together, and I am blind and also grieving my blindness.
Why Am I Writing About This?
We all have our individual, unique experience of attraction and desire, and all our various needs therein. We need to stop pretending and perpetrating a structure of how people do the things of attraction and relationship on each other.
I’d like a bit of freedom and understanding, please. And, also, I ask everyone to have some courage.
Being honest and direct with people about how you feel, communicating clearly, is hard. Vulnerability is hard. And, as a demisexual autistic queer woman, if you love me or are attracted to me, I need you to have courage and tell me plain.
I know its a tall order in a world that teaches us to be subtle, hint at, and hide our truths, because the world is cruel and vindictive. I get it. I live in this world, too. I just ask, for my sake, for yours, and for a world gentle and kind seeking love and true connection, try. Be honest, be direct with each other.