‘Watching the shadows of life’s comedy; uttering drunken phrases to the mass of undulating transparencies, for want of solidity, and I beg to know more than ghosts walking as the ephemeral we. The visceral striven to feel the heard thumping, a warmth begot from knowledge, and not just delusion.’
I wrote the above a decade past, and looking upon it, feeling the words again, I reflect that, though the shadows linger still, and I fear delusion as I experience passions, I’m less in the dark.
Via life and living, my Autism has evolved.
Eliminated? Never, that will never be nor should it. Understanding found? Closer to, as any life of living provides knowledge for the gain via every lived experience. Autism just makes the need to concretely gain knowledge from experience a necessity to thrive, whereas neurotypical folk can siddle by an experience without much need to delve.
Concretely, I reflect that the impetus, the profound need to learn in order to achieve basic Adult functions in society, might have created in me an expert level that I didn’t realize I had, even in comparison to neurotypicals. Because I had no choice to learn communicative and social cue, having to study the variable in and outs, qualitative, quantitative, objective, subjective, with all possibility, nuance in order to create in my mind specific and viable script and strategy, methinks I may have surpassed where I’ve always felt behind.
Does this eliminate my struggle in a moment, not able to respond to a behavior quick and fast?
No. Still autistic.
Does this give me an edge in recording a series of such events in my photographic mind to suss out pattern and purpose, intuitive scope combined with data, truth via functional action?
Nowadays, I might not have savvy still to respond with confident force in a moment unpredicted. But in scenarios and persons known, with time to pause, I’m clear, precise, keen.
Nowadays, I’m no longer the naive autistic of eras past.
Will you know in a moment? No, I’m not going to respond. But, I’m present and aware, now. I simply don’t utter what I now know.
But, be advised. I’m learning.
If these remarks are perceived to be assertive, indeed, they are. Many a study has been conducted regarding the abuse done upon autistic folk. I’m part of this unfortunate percentage. My assertiveness is proclamation of my efforts, to not just thrive in a world not made for Autistic’s, but, too, call out any and all who may wish to manipulate my slow social process or gaslight my perceptive skill.
I assert, I’ve done my work, see your devilish arts, and am no longer deceived!
For, any person victimized, regardless of autism, will do all it takes to protect themselves. I’ve done the same, becoming an intuitive savant of determining human intention. I’ve done the work and decided recently I’ll no longer let lingering doubt and old mistakes, learned from deeply, hold my assertion and confidence at bay.
To deceivers, disingenuous sycophants and fearful throngs, I say, you are seen. Obvious, no, will my expression of knowing be, but a wary skeptic you will find.
I endeavor to walk my path of generosity, compassion, and truth, and I will no longer allow your interference. In this, I proclaim, society need accommodate the autistic, which is good for all.