Seldom do I detail trauma and heartache for my endeavor with my blog is to educate and uplift.
Yet, I must remark what has been going on with me for it would be disingenuous to hide, would accidentally promote idyllic life when life is not so beauteous all the time.
Being Outside, different all the time is taking its toll upon me. I’ve hidden my struggles, my simple overstimulations and nitpicking, to be normal, I so thought, that I’ve now become tortured by a world I can’t get to shut up.
My coping skills are on the edge of collapsing and I’m struggling to see a way to quiet the world down. I’m intrinsically aware the world is not made for me, as Autistic, and as Queer, my exhaustion has reached a new place I’ve seldom been before.
I’ve been thinking about suicide, the ultimate, “I quit!”
Everything I tell everyone that is bothering me seems so simple to them, but it’s the aggregate, the combination of simple upon simple I can’t manage anymore. Its everything, together.
I’m at the Meta-Meltdown I’m sure many Autistics experience, and I feel so alone, so all by myself because I can’t explain any of it.
The more emotional I get, the less words I have at my disposal to explain myself. To feel is to become overdone and become non-verbal.
Compassion and understanding would be great, but I live in a life that speaks about changes needed without doing changes done. I’m surrounded by good intentions without follow through. People I know are about words and no actions.
I’m so by myself and cannot perceive this will change anytime soon. And, in that life is about connections, I feel so far removed as to beg the question of why I bother.
And, compassion, today, is a moment, which guarantees nothing tomorrow. I’m tired of gaining a moment of another’s time to be abandoned when they’re done with me.
And, through all this, I wonder, is it me? Is my stupid brain missing something? And, if it isn’t, is this all there is?
Both, as true, give little hope, and I find myself scheduling to my day mediocre tasks to be obligated toward to keep myself alive.
But why do I continue to suffer? I’m not sure anymore.